"You're a Dominant."

Those were the words I heard through my head phones.  I am glad my web cam was not on, as I am sure that the stunned shocked look on my face would not have looked at all "Domly".   " I am what?"  I am sure that was what came stuttering out of my mouth.  Here was a woman who I had been talking to in SL for a week or two, just being myself.  She and I had been sharing about ourselves, opening up about who we were.  I was still in my original avatar,  geeky looking red head, trying to comprehend what this woman had just said to me.  Finally, I had to swallow my pride and ask her what she meant by Dominant?

That is when the "rabbit hole" opened.  This woman started to explain to me Dominance and submissive.  That she was a slave, both in RL and SL.   How it is a lifestyle, a life choice, of giving control over to another.  A lifestyle of deep relationships, honesty, of being who you are.  She added on the fact that she was also deep into BDSM.  Now I had heard about BDSM, and had what I thought was good general knowledge of what it was.  Even  thought I had a very open mind.  I was soon to find out, that I knew squat about BDSM, and my "open mind" was barely open.

I pondered and asked questions, trying to learn more about this D/s M/s aspect.  What she described to me, intrigued me, it sounded wonderful.  This kind of relationship, where I had all the power and the openness of everything.  She introduced me to her mentor, RL and SL, who was more than happy to try and explain things to me. 

They spoke to me of this thing in SL that they thought would be a good entry point for me.  A spot where Master and slaves are the aspect of the role play.  Yes, they were speaking of Gor.  But my geeky little avatar would just not work.  Thus I was born.  Xykiel, the avatar born to be a Gorean slaver, and learn about the lifestyle as I played. 

I entered Gor, and witnessed naked slaves and silk covered slaves, running around, falling to there knees in front of me.  I have to be honest.  It sent chills up my spine and other parts.  I dove in head first, trying to learn  about Gor and watching the actions of these girls that were falling at my feet.  It only took a week or two to realize that I dove in with the wrong head.

As I was in Gor, I was also speaking to the slave and her mentor, in other areas.  We were discussing, aspects of BDSM.  I learned that she was enjoyed "edge" play.  That she was polyamourous.  That with her last Master, she was living with him 4 days a week and her husband 3.  That her mentor played with her as well and used her for RL training.  Each and every part, shocked me, but again, intrigued me.

I hung around her, in Gor, with expectations that we would end up together, even though she and her mentor had told me that she needed someone much more experienced.  After a week or two in Gor, and not making any headway into Gor, or the slave, I was getting quite frustrated. My blood was boiling, from being put off  by what I saw as my potential slave.  I was playing the role, slaver, master, overbearing, hot tempered jerk...What I thought I was suppose to be, at that time.

Then I made what I would refer to as my first major screw-up.  My frustration keep growing, and I kept doing things I thought I was suppose to do, and kept taking two steps back.  I do not remember what the trigger was, or how it exactly went down anymore, but I know what happened.  I struck out verbally, assaulting the slave and her mentor, with a foul attitude and very foul words. What happened next was one of the most important things that has happened in my life. 

The slave put me in my place, tried to calm me and be at least polite with me.  I did not have any such luck with her mentor.  Her mentor called me exactly what I was.  A closed minded, ignorant, uneducated, ***.    She tore me a new hole and sent me packing.  I was hurt, angry, upset.  I stormed off, leaving Gor, saying that I would never come back.

I spent two days, licking my broken pride.  But what kept coming back is the words that they both said.   Over and over in my head, it played in an endless loop, until  it began to sink in.  It was a hard pill to swallow, and pretty sour.  Everything that I thought I wanted, I really did not even know.  That my open mind, was closed to certain aspects in the world, making me miss a lot that was around me.  That I had entered Gor, not to learn Gor, or the M/s aspect, but to chase a skirt.  A skirt that was so much more open, honest, intelligent, just light years a head of me in the lifestyle, that quite frankly, I should have just been honored that she took the time to explain things to me.  And as for her Mentor,  it was the first person, that I am sad to say, I lost a friend that day.

With my pride still broken, my tail between my legs, I went back to Gor.  But this time, I came in humble, and open.  Open ears to listen.  Open eyes to see the world opening before me.  But most important, an open MIND.  I tried not to judge, other people's choices.  Tried to accept a person for just that, being a human.  Came back with a thirst, downright unquenchable thirst, to learn.

The head slaver, took me back.  We sat and spoke about the lifestyle in RL and what it really meant.  He taught me so much in such a short time.  Spoke to me of values.  Spoke to me of how treasured and cherished a slave/submissive is. But the one thing that he told me that has rung true and will continue to forever is, "Be yourself."  That it is not about being some character from a book, or fitting into some "Master" mold.  That is was about knowing yourself, being yourself.  And that includes being human, and chasing a skirt or two.

Now when I look back at this time, it was one of life's pivotal moments.  Where my life changed, and I became a better person because of it.  That is when I saw the rabbit hole for what it was, overcame my fear, and walked through it.