"You're a Dominant."

Those were the words I heard through my head phones.  I am glad my web cam was not on, as I am sure that the stunned shocked look on my face would not have looked at all "Domly".   " I am what?"  I am sure that was what came stuttering out of my mouth.  Here was a woman who I had been talking to in SL for a week or two, just being myself.  She and I had been sharing about ourselves, opening up about who we were.  I was still in my original avatar,  geeky looking red head, trying to comprehend what this woman had just said to me.  Finally, I had to swallow my pride and ask her what she meant by Dominant?

That is when the "rabbit hole" opened.  This woman started to explain to me Dominance and submissive.  That she was a slave, both in RL and SL.   How it is a lifestyle, a life choice, of giving control over to another.  A lifestyle of deep relationships, honesty, of being who you are.  She added on the fact that she was also deep into BDSM.  Now I had heard about BDSM, and had what I thought was good general knowledge of what it was.  Even  thought I had a very open mind.  I was soon to find out, that I knew squat about BDSM, and my "open mind" was barely open.

I pondered and asked questions, trying to learn more about this D/s M/s aspect.  What she described to me, intrigued me, it sounded wonderful.  This kind of relationship, where I had all the power and the openness of everything.  She introduced me to her mentor, RL and SL, who was more than happy to try and explain things to me. 

They spoke to me of this thing in SL that they thought would be a good entry point for me.  A spot where Master and slaves are the aspect of the role play.  Yes, they were speaking of Gor.  But my geeky little avatar would just not work.  Thus I was born.  Xykiel, the avatar born to be a Gorean slaver, and learn about the lifestyle as I played. 

I entered Gor, and witnessed naked slaves and silk covered slaves, running around, falling to there knees in front of me.  I have to be honest.  It sent chills up my spine and other parts.  I dove in head first, trying to learn  about Gor and watching the actions of these girls that were falling at my feet.  It only took a week or two to realize that I dove in with the wrong head.

As I was in Gor, I was also speaking to the slave and her mentor, in other areas.  We were discussing, aspects of BDSM.  I learned that she was enjoyed "edge" play.  That she was polyamourous.  That with her last Master, she was living with him 4 days a week and her husband 3.  That her mentor played with her as well and used her for RL training.  Each and every part, shocked me, but again, intrigued me.

I hung around her, in Gor, with expectations that we would end up together, even though she and her mentor had told me that she needed someone much more experienced.  After a week or two in Gor, and not making any headway into Gor, or the slave, I was getting quite frustrated. My blood was boiling, from being put off  by what I saw as my potential slave.  I was playing the role, slaver, master, overbearing, hot tempered jerk...What I thought I was suppose to be, at that time.

Then I made what I would refer to as my first major screw-up.  My frustration keep growing, and I kept doing things I thought I was suppose to do, and kept taking two steps back.  I do not remember what the trigger was, or how it exactly went down anymore, but I know what happened.  I struck out verbally, assaulting the slave and her mentor, with a foul attitude and very foul words. What happened next was one of the most important things that has happened in my life. 

The slave put me in my place, tried to calm me and be at least polite with me.  I did not have any such luck with her mentor.  Her mentor called me exactly what I was.  A closed minded, ignorant, uneducated, ***.    She tore me a new hole and sent me packing.  I was hurt, angry, upset.  I stormed off, leaving Gor, saying that I would never come back.

I spent two days, licking my broken pride.  But what kept coming back is the words that they both said.   Over and over in my head, it played in an endless loop, until  it began to sink in.  It was a hard pill to swallow, and pretty sour.  Everything that I thought I wanted, I really did not even know.  That my open mind, was closed to certain aspects in the world, making me miss a lot that was around me.  That I had entered Gor, not to learn Gor, or the M/s aspect, but to chase a skirt.  A skirt that was so much more open, honest, intelligent, just light years a head of me in the lifestyle, that quite frankly, I should have just been honored that she took the time to explain things to me.  And as for her Mentor,  it was the first person, that I am sad to say, I lost a friend that day.

With my pride still broken, my tail between my legs, I went back to Gor.  But this time, I came in humble, and open.  Open ears to listen.  Open eyes to see the world opening before me.  But most important, an open MIND.  I tried not to judge, other people's choices.  Tried to accept a person for just that, being a human.  Came back with a thirst, downright unquenchable thirst, to learn.

The head slaver, took me back.  We sat and spoke about the lifestyle in RL and what it really meant.  He taught me so much in such a short time.  Spoke to me of values.  Spoke to me of how treasured and cherished a slave/submissive is. But the one thing that he told me that has rung true and will continue to forever is, "Be yourself."  That it is not about being some character from a book, or fitting into some "Master" mold.  That is was about knowing yourself, being yourself.  And that includes being human, and chasing a skirt or two.

Now when I look back at this time, it was one of life's pivotal moments.  Where my life changed, and I became a better person because of it.  That is when I saw the rabbit hole for what it was, overcame my fear, and walked through it.

Introduction

How do you put into words the eureka moment of finding out, or figuring out what and who you are after 40 + years?  Does it really take a lightning strike, or just a swift hard kick in the ass to jar everything into place?  Making every piece seemingly fall into place like that perfect jigsaw puzzle.  How do you describe a feeling that has been burning in your very soul,  for longer than you realize, that you have kept supressed from yourself, and others?  How do take the first steps into a "sub-culture" that to many, is something that is taboo and to some "abusive"?  And what happens when all of this takes place in a virtual world, and every fibre of your body wants to live it 24/7/365 in your Real Life?

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself and proper introductions need to be made.   My second life name is Xykiel, a name that I will happily admit, that a Real Life slave gave to me in second life. My Real Life is a 43 year old male in Canada.  Divorced, two children, my fair share of personal guilt and doubts when I entered SL as a social escape for me, because I was a workaholic, putting 60-80 hours a week, in a high pressure job.  Because of the work, there was no personal life to speak of.

I entered SL on April's Fool Day two years ago.  A newbie to the 3D virtual world, but by no means a newbie to online chat and relationships.  Over the past 20 years, have spent a lot of time cultivating online relationships.  Therefore was not as naïve as many who enter SL. With in a couple of months of socializing and meeting people, I came across one particular woman who would turn out to be the one who has had the biggest affect in my life, for many years.  At that point, Xykiel was created, and I took the first step into "The Lifestyle."

I have decided to write this blog, to describe My journey, both in the past and as it unfolds before me, because it seems to cross a lot of territory and lines.  It starts and develops in a virtual world, with things that are only limited with our own imagination. Traverses virtual worlds, cultures and taboos.  Through relationships, fear, acceptance and growth.  Straddles the fence, one foot in SL and one foot in RL.  Combining the virtual avatars  with the RL person who is behind the keyboard.  Then onward, to the future, the first  RL meeting, (118 days from now, but who is counting). 

It is my hope that others who either do not know "The Lifestyle", or are starting their own journey, might be able to take away something from these entries.  But saying that, let me stress that EVERYONE travels their own path, and no two people's journey is ever exactly the same. But similar things can happen, and other's experiences may inspire your own resolutions to situations or bumps along your journey. My journey and experiences are just that, MINE.  My journey is not the only way, but it is My way.  Your journey is Yours, and you will face things and make mistakes that are yours and no one else's.  But as long was we are open and respect each other's opinions, and experiences, we keep alive the ability to learn and grow from each other.

I look forward to educating, and hopefully entertaining a little, through the telling of my story.  I welcome any feedback that you feel like sharing with me, on anything I write about.  That way I may also learn from you as well.  So take a seat, get comfortable, and maybe even hold on, because at times the road is a little bumpy.  Here we go.....

Once upon a time..... Just kidding..