Risk and Relationships

We all have those terrifying and sometimes ridiculously ludicrous memories about our first relationships.  Whether they were our 1st grade crushes, or our teenage fumbling's in the back sea of your parents car.  Our bodies full of raging hormones, and minds full of thoughts of conquest.  Never a thought of the dangers of what we were doing.  Or the consequences of said actions.

Now take that, and move 27 years into the future.  Entering a lifestyle, where the risk and dangers, are not just simple, possibly getting someone pregnant, or catching a sexually transmitted disease, but the very real possibility, of physical bodily harm, and/or mentally destroying someone.

Granted, I was in second life,  which at the point I was at, pretty much eliminated the physical harm, still left the mental harm a very real possibility.  Will that enter the mind of someone who just has began the journey?

I started talking and spending time with someone who seemed to be patient enough to deal with a newbie.  Taking my time, I had not come to fully understand the collar, other than to know it was something very serious, and I had pretty much decided that I was not going to rush into a collar.  We kept getting closer, being who we were.   She showed me some play things,  taught me it was okay, to allow my sadist side to show itself.

That sadist showed itself in the form of a scene we did.  Unscripted, in the moment,  in voice, strapped into an second life cross, striking, hearing the change of tone in her voice, driving me deeper into the scene. It hit a level for both of us.  One  that I had never felt before.  It was almost like being drunk, although I did not have a drink.  Floating, no, flying with no wings. Almost like losing control.   Euphoric and absolutely terrifying. 

I came down, I think more from fear, than wanting to stop.  Putting my concentration back to the submissive strapped to the rack.  bringing her down, asking that she was okay.  We talked about the scene, but I did not admit what I had felt.  It almost felt like it would have been a show of weakness if I had shared.

The next day in real life, I had one of the worst days at work.  My mind was all over the place, absolutely no concentration.  Dropping things, burning things, making mistakes.  Pretty much anything that could go wrong did. 

Got home that night and logged into second life to find comfort in that submissive arms.   Talking about my day and how  horrible it was.  It was then that she brought up the term "Dom drop" to me.  Only then did I realize, that I had experienced "Dom space" in the scene.

Fast forward to today.  As I write these words, relive that first feeling of Dom space.  I stop, sit back and shake my head.  I was like that teenager.  Not a care in the world, knowing everything, ignoring all the risks and dangers.  I sit in awe, of my foolishness, and naivety, of the seriousness of scenes, playing, and relationships in the lifestyle.  How could I have put her at such risk.  How could I have put myself at such risk.  I had no idea what Dom space was.  Or the physical reactions that it would release in me coming down from it.  What would have happened if I had allowed myself into that space even deeper and lost control?

The dangers are real, whether in second life or real life.  And entering relationships, or scene plays, with out knowledge and experience, can, no not "can", DOES put people at risk.

That first relationship, did not survive.  Although the lessons learned from it directed me on a much safer path.   I was not ready, or able to control another, as I had skipped a very important step in my journey.  Self inspection and acceptance. 

So as we all do at some point in our lives, I tripped, fell and ended up two steps behind where I thought I was.

The Rabbit Hole Leads Up

Entering the rabbit hole, one might expect it to be easy, because it leads down, making your steps easy.  Let me tell you, not all rabbit holes lead down. And quite frankly, none ever travel in a straight line.

I stayed in Gor for another month, discussing, and listening, to others that I knew were RL Dom/sub aspect in their life.  Tried my hand at the RP aspect, and as moving, and down right intoxicating feeling that I received from slaves kneeling and serving, there was something missing.  I could feel pieces missing.  So that led me to start searching.

With the help of my friends in Gor, I was introduced to some sims in SL, that were BDSM oriented.  One that I landed on happened to have a few discussions every week.  I attended a couple and rapidly realized that the people here, were Real people, who lived the life, and had for a long time.  Pieces began to fit back together.

I attended a Dominants only discussion, led by a Master, and everything that he said, and talked about, just rang so true to me.  By the time I left that discussion, I knew that Gor was no longer the place for me to learn.  That what I wanted, craved, ached for.

I started to hang out on the sim, and meet more people, more wonderful people. I could feel my mind beginning to grow, and open up wider.  The wider those doors to my mind opened, the more information I sought. But with more information, came the fact that the path became steeper.  The learning curve was getting steeper and never straight, and Never easy. 

But I was me.  I  found that I was not alone on my journey though.  The people I met, were patient, understanding, helpful, and open.  They overlooked my protocol faux pauxs, and took me under their wings. These people very quickly became like family to me, and I am proud to say, still are today. 

I also found my Mentor there.  It took me a lot of time and courage to  approach him, as I really did not think that he would take the time with someone as new as I was.  To my surprise, and honor,  he said "Yes."  That is when the rabbit hole became a path, steep, hard, and life long, but one full of rewards, and incredible discoveries.